I suggest you start as you mean to go on with a good scare over at the Horror Zine.

I was busy in my laboratory, noting my discovery that social workers do indeed have hearts albeit very small ones, and preparing to test the hardness of the one I had most recently acquired. 

"Hello Death." I turned but he wasn't there.

From behind, once again, came 'Hello Dume."

My shoulders slumped. Death in a playful mood was not something I wanted to deal with at that moment. He reappeared in my line of sight at the end of a blurred streak of movement.

"Pretty fast, eh?" He jutted his jawbone. "You wouldn't call that two miles an hour, now would you?"

"No," I said. "I would refer to it as something more in line with your initial assessment. Pretty fast."

He produced a newspaper. I wish he would stop reading those things but he likes to tick off the obituaries and check he hasn't missed anyone.

"Look at this. Your scientists reckon that people moving at three miles per hour can outrun me. Ha! Tell that to all those four-minute-mile runners I've reaped."

I read the article and had to agree the conclusions were ridiculous. "It doesn't look as though they were being serious."

"Well I'm being serious. I can move incredibly fast, faster than anyone or anything except on Christmas Eve. Santa is the only thing in the universe faster than me and he can only do it one night a year. Then he has to rest for a year. If he didn't smoke, drink and eat so much he might be able to do it twice." 

"He is quite nimble, that's true." Which is why I still don't have his head on my trophy wall. Still, it's nearly time to try again.

Death levelled his eyeless gaze at my laboratory bench. "Who do you have there?"

"A social worker who kindly called in to make sure Caligula was properly fed. He has been, now."

"I see. Obituary published?"

"Unlikely," I said. "This one's fresh."

"So she might still be hanging about? I'll just take a quick look around the place, if you don't mind." He took his soul bag from his belt.

"Certainly. The place could do with clearing out. There's a particularly irritating one called Banquo who has taken to showing up at feasts. I'd be pleased to be rid of him."

"Sorry," said Death, "that one's untouchable. I can clear up the rest. Any sign of your father these days?"

"Not for ages."

"Hm. Well, off I go. Watch my dust, Dume." He shot through the wall.

I returned my attention to the experiment. I thought it best to start with the diamond-edged cutter although I doubted it would get through a social worker's heart. It never has before.

Caligula, the mischievous little tyke, has summoned the legions of Hell into his bedroom. His mother is hysterical because she thinks she'll have to cook for them all and I had to have one of those father-son chats. 

I told him he had been very naughty and that if he wanted a sleepover with his friends he had to ask his mother first. It was his duty to tell his friends they could not stay and that they should arrange transport home.

In the end it worked out okay. The north of Scotland in late November is nowhere near warm enough for creatures brought up surrounded by fire so they went back of their own accord.

I have confiscated his grimoires for now but being a caring parent I won't deprive him of them for too long. I don't want to be accused of child abuse.

Senga insists that it's the visiting children who are supposed to do the tricks but Caligula and I agree that's a silly way to do it. She also has this crazy idea that the tricks should not draw blood. What would be the point of that? 

Death and Red Stan showed up, as did that wretched wraith Banquo. Every time there's a feast, there he is. Nobody invites him. 

The Professor wasn't here. He was probably out hunting for something supernatural somewhere.

Little Caligula is safely tucked away in his secure room. He's supposed to be asleep but I think I hear him practicing with his throwing knives. Let him play. It'll help keep the rats under control. Now I can settle down to the latest issue of The Horror Zine.

I already have a copy of 'What Fears Become' but if you like the idea of a free one, there's a competition until midnight.

Another free tale at Smashwords. That's three freebies so the next will have a price attached to it. Not a huge price but a price nonetheless. 

This one features Death, who I hope will attend little Caligula's second birthday party tomorrow evening. He's very likely to appear since Caligula has requested a set of throwing knives. They're all sharpened and wrapped and hidden away until tomorrow. The little tyke is certain to want to try them out and Death will want to be nearby in case he has to collect someone. I will be wearing armour.

The story is also set at Halloween so it's suitable for a children's party, I think. Caligula won't appreciate it, there's not nearly enough gore. I was surprised to find the story had already been reviewed since it has not yet been on the site for a full day. Pleasantly surprised, I might add, since it was a full-marks review. Those are always good to see.

Well, best get ready for Caligula's party. I hope that wretch Banquo doesn't show up this time.

So the second novel has reached phase two. I have the third almost ready to go into phase one, submission, so I'd better concentrate on that while I wait to hear about 'Samuel's Girl'. I don't want to leave such a long gap between submissions this time.

There's something about the amount of work that goes into a novel that puts me off the self-publishing route. I think they work best with a professional cover and after the attentions of a professional editor. Short stories are easy to self-edit but novels are almost impossible. 

For the moment at least, short stories will go the self-publishing route and novels go through the traditional route.

This means I'll have to work harder on that writing website. Soon I'll need separate pages for each publishing method.

No, I put it there so I could order some print copies. Postage isn't so bad when you're buying a batch. Why do that? Well, so that I can give them away. This little story is ideal for leaving around and it has ads in the back for the other three books. It's also one of the safer stories. If I left something like 'The Gate Race' or especially 'The Sweet Man' lying around, I'd get complaints from parents whose children have lost the ability to sleep.'The Sweet Man' isn't published yet. I'm saving it for Christmas.

The book I'm currently reviewing for the Horror Zine has an artistically produced cover, a drawing that is very impressive indeed. Even more impressive because the author drew it. More on that when the review is finished and on the site. 

A book needs a good cover and if you're self-publishing, artists can be expensive.

I can't produce such art so I use photographs and Photoshop and in that case, it's vital to only use photos you've taken yourself. Otherwise you hit copyright issues unless you have written permission from the photographer to use their stuff. Pictures found on the Internet are not free for all, the original photographer still has copyright and can demand a cut of your earnings if they find you've pinched their work.

The most important part of any book is still the content. Yes, you can self-publish a terrible story but you won't sell many. Worse, those who read the terrible one won't even bother to look at the rest of your offerings. Even worse yet, publishers you submit work to might have seen it and they won't be too keen on asking for a manuscript. A dud can wreck your chances, so don't put them out there.

If you see a copy of 'A Little Knowledge' lying around, you'll know I've been there. Take it, it's free.

This little tale is available free on Smashwords in a variety of formats. Not in print, it's too small to be worth the effort, but in any electronic format you like. I put it on Kindle but can't make it free there but no matter, Smashwords does that .mobi format too.

Free. My favourite price and., I suspect, everyone else's too.

Get it now. It's too late to avoid it, the cow has seen you and it's coming...

So is Fears of the Old and the New.

I have been busy. Aside from the print and PDF versions of Fears of the Old and the New and Dark Thoughts and Demons, I already had Fears on Smashwords but they were taking an interminable time to put it on Kindle, so I opted out and did it myself.

Then I put Dark Thoughts on Kindle and wasn't going to bother with Smashwords - until I noticed that Fears had sales through both Sony and Kobo E-stores. Not very many, but considering I hadn't thought to even mention its presence on those stores, I'm surprised there were any at all.

So Dark Thoughts is now also available on Smashwords (opting out of Kindle distribution again because I've already done that) in a whole range of electronic formats. With luck it will spread into the ether like its predecessor with little to no further effort on my part.

The tentacles of Dume spread ever wider and it's not over yet. I can now put out a free short story or two with ads for these three books in the back. Oh, and write more, naturally.

Ah, but there are distractions. The Horror Zine has another issue out, I am halfway through reading What Fears Become and there is another book for review on the way. No matter, it has become unsafe to sleep too much lately anyway. 

Caligula's birthday approaches and I suspect that the present he wants is blood. Some of mine. I need my blood. I'm using it myself.

To write stories.